18 Giving and Receiving Feedback

Receiving Feedback

A feedback loop involves a sender and a receiver of information. During this process there are many factors that can enhance and deter feedback reception. Sometimes feedback can feel like criticism. The sender may have intended to be positive but had challenges providing feedback in a positive manner. Sometimes, if you have had an experience in the past of feeling criticized, your first response as the receiver is to go on the defence. If feedback feels like criticism, we suggest working through the following steps to better process the information given while deconstructing where the feelings of criticism come from.

First, attempt to suspend your reaction until you understand the information that is being given. Then paraphrase what you hear. If the feedback given seems unclear, ask for clarification. See this as an opportunity to grow and improve, ask questions, and be curious. Having feedback presented in other words or from another point of view may increase your understanding about what is being said.

Explore and discover the reasons for the comments:

• • Is a change being suggested?
• • Is it an evaluation of the past or a suggestion for the future?

Think about and cope with your possible defensive reaction:

• • Do you see suggestions as demands?
• • Do you feel guilty or obligated to address the feedback?
• • Are you hearing more than is being said?

Ideally, listen to feedback with an open mind. Then explain your position or point of view. Determine the importance of the feedback to you. You may choose not to change.

Any discussion will benefit from more information. You can wall yourself away from information and change by being defensive. You may open new lines of communication by being receptive.

Giving Positive Feedback

It is easy to criticize and think that we are helping a person deal with a situation. To give the right commentary, at the right time, to the right person, with the right reasons, in the right way, and to the right degree can be challenging.

You first need agreement to interact. If the other person is not ready to hear your comments, you set up a negative interaction that will cause them to dismiss your feedback. If you do not have permission to provide feedback, you may be seen as aggressive, and the other person may respond by being aggressive or defensive toward you.

Always ask the other person if they want your feedback. If they say no, then you will have to discuss or problem-solve that before you say anything more, or you will say nothing at all.

Search out all the facts you can prior to giving your feedback. Ask the people involved about what they feel is happening and how they see the situation. This may solve or help solve the problem.

Time the discussion so that you are all reasonably unstressed. Leave time so there is another chance to talk before parting ways. This will help avoid or clear misunderstanding or confusion.

Be positive. Try to begin and end your feedback with comments about what is working well.

Avoid using absolutes or negative words, like always or never or don’t. Each situation tends to be many shades of grey rather than black and white. Actions taken are seen by each person in the light of their experiences and perceptions. Use alternative positive words and phrases. Avoid comparing the person involved to other people in other situations. The context of each situation is different. Comparisons tend to produce resentment and frustration.

Be specific in your description of the problem. Avoid vague or misleading statements. Address one point at a time so as not to overload or overwhelm the other person. Make sure that it is something that can be changed.

Focus on actions when sharing your feedback. Think about how to word your feedback so that it is about the action or behaviour, not the person who is receiving it.

When you tell someone that you feel they could improve or change, then also make suggestions on how you think they might go about making those changes and what behaviour would be observed if the changes were made. Be prepared for no change. Feedback can be positive if it:

• • is offered at the right time and place
• • is offered with comments on good points as well as possible changes
• • is connected to facts and not rumours
• • is directed to behaviour that can be changed
• • is specific and given one point at a time
• • is focused on behaviours or actions not the person
• • gives information and possible solutions to change the situation

You will not use all of these items in all circumstances, but all of them can be used in some situations.