Chapter 8 Edit Improve How You’ve Written

Word Choice (Diction)

Note that word choice (also called diction) is an especially important aspect of style. In addition to checking the points noted in Checklist 8.1, review your paper to make sure your language is precise, conveys no unintended connotations, and is free of bias. At this stage in the writing process, it would be a good idea to read Chapter 23 in its entirety because it provides an in-depth explanation about vague diction, slang, connotations, and biased language. Here are some of the points to check for:

• • Vague or imprecise terms
• • Slang
• • Repetition of the same phrases (“Smith states . . . , Jones states . . .”) to introduce quoted and paraphrased material (for a full list of strong verbs to use with in-text citations, see Chapter 21: Paraphrasing and Quoting)
• • Exclusive use of masculine pronouns or awkward use of he or she
• • Use of language with negative connotations, such as haughty or ridiculous
• • Use of outdated or offensive terms to refer to specific gender, race, ethnicity, or religion

Maintaining a Consistent Style

As you edit your essay, make sure the style is consistent throughout. Look for instances where a word, phrase, or sentence does not seem to fit with the rest of the writing.

Upon reviewing his paper for style, Jorge finds that he has generally used an appropriately academic style, maintaining a formal tone and using appropriate diction. However, he notices two glaring exceptions. First, he remembers a comment his Indigenous studies professor made in class: even though Indigenous people have previously been referred to as Native, Indigenous is now the commonly accepted, most respectful term to use.

Also, Jorge realizes there is a place where his overly informal writing could come across as unserious. He edits his word choice to improve the consistency of the tone. Read his edits:

In Indigenous cultures, stories perform a wide variety of functions. Some stories simply entertain, but a story might serve a dual purpose. For example, an entertaining story about a deer hunt might actually be a means of teaching the geographic location of hunting grounds (Silko 4). Therefore, even entertaining stories serve an educational purpose. According to Leroy Little Bear, a Blackfoot educator, stories are an integral part of Native Indigenous education because storytelling is a way to teach knowledge, customs, and values (81). Of course, stories also transmit a culture’s creation narrative. Cherokee writer Thomas King says, “We live by stories,” pointing out that a culture’s creation story shapes its worldview (153). Thus, creating worldview is perhaps the top job most important function stories have.

Writing Clearly and Concisely

Some writers are very methodical and painstaking when they write a first draft. Other writers unleash a lot of words in order to get out all that they feel they need to say. Do either of these methods match your style? Or is your style somewhere in between? No matter which description best fits you, the first draft of almost every piece of writing, no matter its author, can be made clearer and more concise. If you tend to write too much, you will need to look for unnecessary words.

Sometimes writers use too many words when fewer words will appeal more to their audience and better fit their purpose. Here are some common examples of wordiness to look for in your draft. Eliminating wordiness helps all readers because it makes your ideas clear, direct, and straightforward.

• Sentences that begin with There is or There are
• Wordy. There are two major experiments that the Biology Department sponsors.
• Revised. The Biology Department sponsors two major experiments.
• Sentences with unnecessary modifiers
• Wordy. Two extremely famous and well-known consumer advocates spoke eloquently in favour of the proposed important legislation.
• Revised. Two well-known consumer advocates spoke in favour of the proposed legislation.
• Sentences with “fluffy” or “deadwood” phrases that add little meaning. Be judicious when you use phrases such as in the areas of, in terms of, with a mind to, in order to, on the subject of, as to whether or not, in the period of, more or less, as far as . . . is concerned, and similar expressions. You can usually find a more straightforward way to state your point.
• Wordy. As a world leader in the field of green technology, the company plans to focus its efforts in the area of geothermal energy. A report as to whether or not to use geysers as an energy source is in the process of preparation.
• Revised. As a world leader in green technology, the company plans to focus on geothermal energy. Researchers are preparing a report about using geysers as an energy source.
• Sentences in the passive voice or with forms of the verb to be: Sentences that contain passive-voice verbs often create confusion because the subject of the sentence does not perform an action. Sentences are clearer when the subject performs the action and is followed by a strong verb. Use strong active-voice verbs in place of forms of to be, which can lead to wordiness. Avoid passive voice when you can.
• Wordy. It might perhaps be said that using a GPS device is something that is a benefit to drivers who have a poor sense of direction.
• Revised. Using a GPS device benefits drivers who have a poor sense of direction.
• Sentences with constructions that can be shortened
• Wordy. The e-book reader, which is a recent invention, may become as commonplace as the cell phone. Not all that long ago, even my over-sixty uncle bought an e-book reader, and his wife bought an e-book reader, too.
• Revised. The e-book reader, a recent invention, may become as commonplace as the cell phone. Recently, my over-sixty uncle and aunt bought e-readers.

Choosing Specific, Appropriate Words

Most essays at the post-secondary level should be written in formal English suitable for an academic situation. If you tend to use slang and informal language, you will probably need to increase the level of formality in your writing. If you work in a corporate environment where you are expected to use corporate jargon, you will need to delete this jargon from your essay. If you tend to be vague or imprecise in your wording, you will need to find specific words to replace any overly general language.

Follow these principles to be sure that your word choice is appropriate. For more information about word choice, see Chapter 23: Writing Style.

Read the edits Mariah made to make her third paragraph more specific and more concise. Keep in mind, she has already incorporated the changes she made during the revision stage to improve unity and coherence.

Sample Paragraph Edited for Diction

Finally, nothing is more confusing to me than choosing among televisions. It confuses lots of people who want confuses buyers more than purchasing a new high-definition digital television (HDTV), with a large screen to watch sports and DVDs on. There’s and with good reason. for this confusion: You face decisions you never had to make with the old, bulky picture-tube televisions. The first big decision is the involves screen resolution, you want. Screen resolution which means the number of horizontal scan lines the screen can show. This resolution is often expressed as 1080p, or full HD, or as 768p, which is half that. The trouble is that if you have on a smaller screen, 32-inch or 37-inch diagonal screen, viewers will not you won’t be able to tell the difference between them with the naked eye. The second other important decision you face as you walk around the sales floor is whether to get a plasma screen or an LCD screen. Along with the choice of display type, a further decision buyers face is screen size and features. Plasma flat-panel television screens can be much larger in diameter than their LCD rivals. Plasma screens show truer deeper blacks and can be viewed at a wider angle than current LCD screens. However, large flat-panel plasma screens are much more expensive than flat-screen LCD models. Don’t let someone make you buy more television than you need! Only after buyers are totally certain they know what they want should they open their wallets.

Now that you’ve edited your own essay, it’s time to ask for help from a peer, who will undoubtedly be able to catch problems that you’ve missed.