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MACKENZIE

My motivation for sharing my experience of abortion is twofold. First, this is an opportunity to expose Canadians to another unique narrative, to expand our understanding of this complex issue, and to break through some of the stereotypes surrounding who gets abortions and why. Second, this is an excellent outlet for me to unpack and process my own experience. Despite having an amazing partner at the time of my abortion with whom to share my story, for many years I chose not to share it with many important people in my life. This was extremely isolating and difficult. Writing this piece assisted me in further working through my experience.

My previous partner and I found out that I was pregnant in the fall of 2011 a few weeks before my twenty-third birthday. We happen to live about five units down from our city’s Planned Parenthood office, and we walked there immediately after getting positive results from several at-home pregnancy tests. We were able to schedule an appointment for the next day.

We knew that we wanted to get an abortion and did not even consider any other options. We had been dating for nine months and had recently moved in together. We were very much in love but were not ready to have a child, the primary reason being that we both wanted to pursue graduate school in our field of study. We were planning to apply the following spring, with a start date of September if we were successful candidates. We also had dreams of travelling and seeing the world together, which would become much more difficult with a child on the way. With jobs in the field of social services, our combined income was not very high. Having a child would certainly strain our financial resources and would inevitably either delay or cancel the possibility of further education, training that would enable us to get better jobs. Finally, I had made many choices that would have negatively impacted the fetus, including smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, and using recreational drugs while on vacation.

Our appointment at Planned Parenthood was very difficult for me. The staff members were great and very supportive. They did not try force me to talk about options in which I had no interest. They offered to share as little or as much information about the procedure as I wanted. I chose to hear all of it. I do not deal well with medical interventions; my biggest fear is syringes. However, I knew that this was a decision I was accountable for and therefore I needed to know exactly what I was getting into. As a staff member explained the details of the abortion procedure, I felt extremely sick. I started to cry and became pale and dizzy. I needed to take a break. I was very grateful that my partner was able to be present at this meeting. The staff member left the room for some time so he could comfort me, returning when I was ready to finish the meeting. We then booked my procedure at the local hospital, which was scheduled within two weeks.

The waiting period was also difficult, in two ways. While I was afraid of and dreading the procedure, it was also very difficult to be pregnant and know that I was not planning on keeping the baby. Having to book time off of work was also anxiety provoking. At the time, my partner and I worked at the same agency and we both had to arrange for time off. I was afraid that my employer would find out why we needed time off and would not give it to us. Fortunately, this did not happen.

My procedure took place on 15 September 2011. It was a long day. I had to work the night shift just before that day. It was difficult not to eat or drink all night and not to have the chance to sleep. I had had to arrange to get the end of my shift covered that morning. My partner met me at the bus terminal, and we left together for the hospital. Upon checking in, the process started fairly quickly. In the waiting room, I completed the necessary paperwork. Next, I was told I would be separated from my partner until the procedure, which wouldn’t be for several hours. I was given the choice of having him present at the procedure, which I opted for.

I was taken to have my blood work done, at which time I had an IV inserted into my arm. This was the second worst part of the day. The IV disgusted me and I did my best to ignore it. Then I had to meet with a nurse, who asked me medical questions and explained the procedure. Some of her questions were asked to ensure that I was not being pressured into the procedure. She also encouraged me to go on birth control and referred me to the necessary follow-up appointments through public health. Although I had been on birth control from the age of fifteen to twenty-one, I had used none since then. Admittedly, my partner and I did not make use of other adequate contraceptive methods. We knew better, and we now had to face the consequences of our irresponsibility.

The nurse led me to a locker room, where I was directed to strip down to all but a hospital gown and socks. Next came another waiting room, where all the women waited alone, without their support person, until it was their turn for the procedure. The exception was one woman who, it seemed, did not know English and so was allowed a companion. I remember being extremely angry and jealous about this in the moment, but now, looking at the situation rationally, I completely understand. I waited in this room for about three hours. I was surprised by the variety of women in that room. I expected to see mostly young teenagers; instead, I saw women of many ages and cultures. I was also surprised by the sheer number of women in the room.

The only time I left that second waiting room was for my ultrasound. The technician informed me that the fetus was approximately five weeks old. She did not offer to show me the picture, even on the screen. I’m still not sure if I wanted to see it or not. I’m certainly glad it was not forced on me, but it would have been nice to have been offered the choice. I’m sure if I had asked, she would have shown me.

Immediately after being called in for my procedure, two medications were administered through my IV. One was to soften and dilate my cervix and the other was an anaesthetic, which I opted to take. I was so relieved to be reunited with my partner for the procedure. I was not nearly as enthused to be informed that a student would be performing the procedure, under the direct supervision of a doctor. This really scared me, and I wish I had been told this ahead of time, so I could process it before being drugged up. After hours of waiting, I just wanted to get this over with, and I didn’t want to make others wait longer. At this point, I was told that they would be doing a D&C. I was happy to know I would not have to hear the suction machine, which I expected to be traumatizing. My cervix was further dilated with a tenaculum, and the procedure was done very quickly. Although it was painful, the drugs eased the discomfort and clouded my mind. My partner was holding my hand and was very comforting, keeping eye contact with me the whole time. All I felt was the pain and the tears dripping down my cheeks, but I knew he was there with me.

After the procedure, a big pad was placed against my vulva and mesh underwear pulled over me. I was then escorted, without my partner, to the recovery room, where I spent the next half hour and was given antibiotics, crackers, and ginger ale. We took a cab home and spent the day on the couch watching Gilmore Girls. Later, my partner cycled over to pick up my favourite Chinese takeout.

I did bleed and spot for quite a while after the procedure, but it was nothing abnormal. My six-week check-up also came back normal. At this appointment, I was again pressured to go on birth control. This irritated me. I knew that I had made poor decisions, and I felt that the public health nurse was rubbing it in my face. As a woman who had consistently taken care of my sexual health since the age of fifteen, in addition to having a university degree in sexuality, I did not feel this was necessary. Please, make me aware of my options, but do not tell me what to do with my body.

The worst part of this whole experience was the shame and isolation. I was so lucky to have the support of my partner and a few close friends with whom I had shared the situation. We did not tell any family members, although this changed over the years. I remember one particular conversation, about a month after my abortion, when I was visiting my father. He was talking about abortions—in particular, how irresponsible the women who have them are—and he said that he was so relieved that his daughters would never need any such service or make that choice. I, of course, argued against his position, but not on the basis of personal experience. I felt horrible hearing my father say that. But I felt even more horrible for not having stood up for women’s choice by sharing my experience—for not having revealed that even his own daughter would choose to have an abortion. I felt guilty for not disclosing this, believing that I was contributing to the perpetuation of the stereotypes and discrimination that women from all walks of life face when making this difficult decision.

At the time, I didn’t know if I wanted to tell my family. I did know that I didn’t want to feel shame about a decision that I needed to make in order to make my life and future better. I feel like my silence may have contributed to these negative feelings. Every time I disclose my story, I do feel slightly more empowered. Abortion is a huge taboo. But fuck it. Don’t expect to bring up abortion and not have people challenge your beliefs when they do not come from a place of personal experience. I am not trying to say that people do not have a right to their own opinions—they do. But I also think that lived experience is a huge part of understanding this very complex issue.

When I originally wrote this, seven months after my abortion, my partner and I were still together and stronger than ever. However, this time was not without its difficulties. Being around friends who were pregnant was challenging. We both ended up being accepted into grad school and went on to complete our programs and get jobs in our field. We also got married in the summer of 2013 and spent our honeymoon backpacking across Europe. All of our dreams were right before our eyes. These were dreams that probably would not have been possible, or at least not until the far future, if we had gone through with our pregnancy. We were also using contraception every time!

One of the hardest parts of processing the abortion was knowing that, despite the hardships we would have experienced, we could have done it. We could have raised our child, whom we would have loved dearly. We did want children in the future. I think it would have been a challenge to have these children and know of the child who never had the chance to be part of our family. But this was part of our story together: it made us who we were as a couple. We knew that if we decided to have children, it would be on our own schedule—when we were ready and prepared to fully embrace and appreciate such a blessing.